During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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