That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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