sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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