Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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