you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
