I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
