peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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