I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
