I need help removing her.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
