I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
