i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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