You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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