Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
