you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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