At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize