tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
