You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
