It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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