don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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