mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
