I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
