i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Holy sore nipples Batman
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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