Plan B is the new Plan A
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
