I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My brain says no but my pants say off.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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