every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
