I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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