sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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