My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
