When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
