good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
