i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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