oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize