i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
false alarm. still invincible.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
