Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
