Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
