We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
