I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
