dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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