On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
