I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
