he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
