If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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