my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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