i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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