Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Randomize
