When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
