careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
