You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Randomize
