and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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