her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize