Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
