Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
