i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
