I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
