I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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