When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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