i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I skipped work to stalk him.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize