I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
