i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
