So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
