whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
